


in my life, i love you more

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Gen, brief mentions of drowning, mentions of childhood death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Maddie confesses a twenty-seven year long secret to Buck, knowing she could lose him but hoping it'll help him start to understand himself, their childhood and the fear he has of never being good enough.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 17
Kudos: 83





	in my life, i love you more

Maddie takes a breath as she looks at her brother, one hand resting on her bump as she bites down on her trembling lip in an attempt to stop herself from bursting into tears. She needs to be strong, she needs to let it all out because he deserves to know the truth, no matter how much it’s going to hurt. All she had ever wanted to do was protect him… from their parents, sometimes from herself, from Doug and now… from  _ himself _ . 

She watches him as he picks up the photograph in front of him, his eyes gazing over it, a recognition on his face at the sight of the two smiling faces and then a flash of confusion at the third face. “Joseph… Joey, we called him Joey.” It’s with a sad smile that she watches Buck trace his fingers over the face that looks almost identical to his own, the only difference being the birthmark above his eye. 

“I don’t… I don’t remember him.” It’s the first time he’s spoken since she had asked him to sit down in front of the box her parents had brought with them from New York. Perhaps they had thought they were doing a nice thing, giving her memories from her childhood that she could share with her own little girl growing inside of her. Instead, it had led to that guilt she had felt deep within her when she was younger, rising to the surface from the moment she had found the photograph hidden within a small rip she had made in the case, so her parents would never find it. 

Tears sting her eyes as she takes a breath, slowly nodding her head, “You were so young,” There’s that fear rising inside of her as she rubs gentle circles on her bump; she hadn’t even met her child yet but she already felt that fierce kind of love for her, knowing she would do anything she could to protect her. Maddie had always struggled with her parents' decision to act as though Joey had never happened but grief manifests itself in different ways and whilst she had found comfort in watching Evan grow up, they had found pain. “You were two, we were… we were in the yard. I was reading a book but I was meant to be watching you… you were both fine, you were just… playing.” 

She gulps down the lump in her throat when she thinks about it, wondering if her brother will blame her as much as their parents had, wondering if he would think she was going to be a terrible mother just as she did. “He fell… into the pool… I-I didn’t move fast enough, I didn’t… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help him and…” The tears fall before she can stop them, quickly wiping them away with the hand that isn’t resting on her stomach, feeling the gentle kicks of her daughter that is somehow both comforting and terrifying at the same time. She had been nine-years-old and deep down she knows that there was nothing she could have done. It doesn’t stop the years of seeing the blame in her parents eyes or the way they had looked at her when she had told them she wanted to be a nurse. Years of therapy had told her it might have all been in her head, that she was forcing her inward feelings outward and seeing it in everything her parents said or did.

Buck’s grip on the photograph tightens and she can’t help but notice how he hasn’t looked at her yet. She doesn’t if she needs to continue, the end of the story is very much obvious but it’s been too long, he should have been told a long time ago. Maddie can still remember him being six-years-old and telling her that he felt as though there was a piece of him missing and she had almost blurted out there and then that in a way, there was… 

“It happened so quickly… and then… mom and dad, they took all the photos down and told you there was a house fire whenever you asked for your baby pictures. I stole that one and hid it in my bedroom, I thought maybe they would regret it one day, maybe they’d want to remember him but then… I guess that’s what you were to them and I know that manifested itself differently when he was gone.” She wants to reach out to hold him but his body is tense and he still hasn’t looked away from the three smiling faces in front of him. She remembers that day; the proud big sister, with a toddler on each side as she wrapped her arms around

them and beamed at the camera. It was just a few weeks before everything changed. 

The silence is deafening and suddenly, a huge part of her wishes she had just held onto the secret. How was him finding any of this out benefiting him in any way at all? It was useless information, she was  _ hurting _ him for something that wouldn’t change his life. She had just hoped it would help him make a little more sense of himself, their childhood and how he felt. He was a twin, an identical twin and she had researched it over the years and had met her fair share of twins during her time in the ER, she had seen a connection that she knew she would never understand. “I-I wasn’t allowed to talk about him and then… the older you got, the harder it was to ever tell you out loud because if I had just been looking… then you would have your brother and mom and dad would have their son and I… I-I thought helping people would somehow make up for what I did, or what I didn’t do and I know I can never… I know you’ll probably never forgive me for… that and for lying to you…” 

She’s angry at herself for crying, shifting a little in her seat as she waits for Buck to talk, knowing she can no longer fill the silence. Still, she finds her mouth opening to try and find some more words to say when it’s been a few more minutes and he’s still silent. She wonders if a part of him always knew, if he always felt that loss deep within him but never quite understood what it was or what he had lost… or  _ who _ he had lost. There is indescribable relief when it’s his voice that sounds through the room next, stopping her from rambling on, “Joey…” Her heart breaks, hearing him say that name for the first time before he finally looks at her, piercing blue eyes looking right at her and she just wishes, more than anything, she could take it all back or that she could have gathered the courage to tell him when he was eighteen.

“He drowned?” Slowly, she nods her head, trying to find the same hatred on his face that she is certain she had seen on her mother’s those very first weeks, and probably even beyond. “I don’t… I don’t understand. No one thought… it was… what? Important enough to tell me? Something that I should know? I-I had a brother, a twin brother, Maddie and none of you thought--I don’t understand.” The anger in his voice is understandable but it’s the sadness that forces the tears to fall as she nods her head, trying to scramble for an excuse in her head but knowing none of it will be good enough. It’s been twenty-seven years and he had no idea. 

Now it’s her time to stay silent, not entirely certain of what she should or what she can say to make any of this better. She had been thinking about it for a while; life in a pandemic sure as hell gave her a lot of time to think and with being pregnant, kids were on her mind more than anything. Mostly of whether she was good enough to be a mother, the trauma stemming from that day and expanding way into the life she had spent with Doug. She was scared, all the time, and then their parents had come and they had given her what they had thought was a nice gift from her childhood and… everything had just… flooded back to her in the worst way possible. And usually, she’d talk to Chimney, she would tell him what she was worried about, she would be honest and open but… she couldn’t stop that horrific part of her that blamed herself for what happened that day and wondered if Chimney would question whether someone with as much trauma as she had would ever be good enough to raise a child with. 

It’s the ferocity in which he discards of the photograph he had been holding so tightly before he stands up, that takes her by surprise, staring up at him as her heart thumps uncomfortably against her chest, “Nothing I ever did was good enough!” 

God, how she wants to tell him that he’s wrong, that he  _ was _ good enough but… she knows different. He had grown up in the shadow of his own twin brother who, in their parents eyes, had been perfect because he never got the chance to grow up and prove otherwise. Anything Buck did was scrutinised, compared to someone he didn’t even know existed and she knows, if she had just confessed the deep, dark Buckley family secret to him when he was younger, maybe things could have been easier for him. Maybe if he had known that it wasn’t him that was the problem, maybe things could have been better. “And now I know why…” The shouting stops as suddenly as it had began and despite it all, she can hear the regret in his voice, “because I never was, was I?” 

Maddie shakes her head as she looks up at him, “No.” It’s the only honest answer she can think of, slowly moving to stand up as she dares herself to take a step closer to him, feeling the anger radiating from his body but knowing she has nothing to be scared of. He’s still her little brother, everything she had done was because she had thought he needed protection from the truth and even if she was wrong, maybe he would see that one day. “Not to them but… you were always good enough for me. And you’ll always be good enough for Chimney, Bobby, Eddie, Hen… Christopher and everyone else who loves you. And I know you might hate me right now and maybe you will for a long time, maybe even forever and I wouldn’t blame you, I wouldn’t… but…” Its relief she feels when she grabs his hand and he doesn’t yank it away from her in disgust, pressing his hand to her stomach as she tries to make eye contact with him, tilting her head as she takes a breath, “you’ll be good enough for her.” 

Buck’s shoulders slump, the tears shimming in his eyes and it breaks her heart to know how much he is hurting, knowing she can’t do anything to alleviate his pain, “I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I just… don’t wanna be near you right now.” The words shouldn’t shatter her as much as they do, internally breaking whilst externally trying to appear as strong as she can, knowing she has to give him all the space he needs, even if it’s months… even if it’s years. Although she’ll cling onto the hope every single day that maybe he can look at her the same way he had seen her before all of this, and not the way he’s looking at her right then - with an unimaginable pain in his eyes, holding back his own tears when his hand drops from her bump. 

“Can I take this?” She watches as he picks the photograph back up, nodding her head, knowing she always has her memories whereas he’ll never have any. Just one photograph to remember two whole years of a life that was just… gone, just like that.

“It’s yours.” 

Watching him walk away reminds her, for just a moment, of when he had left for South America all those years ago, and she had no idea when she would see him again. He doesn’t turn back around until he’s opened the door and she knows that maybe one day they can talk about it. “I love you, Maddie, both of you.” His eyes move down to her stomach, both of her hands immediately falling to her bump as she nods her head. 

“We love you, too.” And then he’s gone, and the biggest part of her wants to run after him and beg for him to forgive her, even if she doesn’t deserve it because the thought of bringing his niece into the world without him wanting anything to do with her, and by all accounts, the little baby that deserves to know her Uncle. But she stays, trying to focus on her breathing as the tears fall, sinking down onto the chair he had been sitting on just a few moments before, staring at the contents of the case in front of her. She has to be patient, give him the space he needs and hope that he talks to someone he can trust, probably more than he can her right then. It’ll be okay, she had loved him for twenty-nine years, even in the time that they didn’t have each other and it felt as though they were worlds apart. It has to be okay.


End file.
